Time Will Tell

The only reason why I seem like abandoning my blog is...because I could never finish what I wrote. Like, everything I wrote always ended up in drafts. (And when I'm writing this, I'm not sure if I can finish this one. Let's see.)

Do you ever feel the way you're changing?
I feel that way, in this past year. I can feel myself, as a person, is changing...somehow, into a different person. Both better and worse, because everything is basically having two faces, depends on the way you see it, right?

This past year, I had no time for reading. Oh do I really have no time or it's just me who don't give myself time for reading... Does this one make me feel I'm getting dumber? Yes. Big YES. I can feel that my knowledge ain't growing any inch. Because oh because even when I found an article worth reading, I wouldn't give a damn to read until finish. Too lazy to read the whole paragraphs, I would only read the summary. It's stupid, I know...I know... So, to make up all of this stupidity, I began to force myself reading-until-finish since a couple weeks ago. What to do next: challenging myself to finish reading all the books that I've-bought-but-haven't-touched.

This past year, I rarely had weekends. Weekends /wek'ends'/ (noun); the days when you're off duty, or simply allowed to sleep without alarm turned on (source: my very own dictionary). My home was only 35kms, but I couldn't afford coming home every weekends. There were this and that that I had to do... The price I gotta pay for taking the opportunities, I guess... But I didn't think the price would be this expensive...if you know what I mean...

This past year, I almost forgot to be happy. Someone once asked me, what could make me happy. I simply said, it's easy for me to find happiness because it came from simple things, like watching good movies, staying up late for reading good books or thoughtful articles & beautiful writings I found on the internet, taking random photos, having meaningful conversation with anyone,  falling in love with the songs I just heard, spending time with family, exploring new places, and writing... those things used to be very exciting for me but see...

This past year... I barely finished watching movies (because I almost always ended up sleeping in the middle of the movie, even when I was on cinema), I didn't enjoy staying up late anymore because I only did it for the sake of finishing assignments (instead of surfing on the internet for fun like how I used to be), I only used my camera on purpose (I forgot how to take random pictures...), I had no chance meeting people I really wanted to meet, I lost my interest on browsing new songs (the fact that I was listening to the same songs all the time really didn't matter anymore), rarely have time for family, going to new places in order to do something (and how am I supposed to enjoy it? This is utterly not adventuring!), and like what's written above...my writings ended up in drafts because I couldn't finish them.

This past year, I learned a lot... yep, a goddamn lot. I thanked God for giving me these opportunities... I know I could've said no to the offers, but I'm glad I said yes.
I surely would be happy if I had fully 24/7 for doing fun stuffs and being a happy-go-lucky like what I used to be. But, would I be grown up that way? Of course no. I had to have a hard time, and see if myself could get thru this. I had to have no time for pleasuring myself, because this is the way I can learn how to cherish every moment. I had to learn the hard way.
I'm learning, therefore I'm growing up. I'm getting worse at some points but I know I'm going to be a lot better than before. Flowers don't always be in blossom all the time, do they?

November

Hello, it's me again.
It's been a long time without any writings. I miss writing. Pouring thoughts into words is one of my kinds of catharsis, but lately.....(I don't mean to mention all the things I've been through, but) I had a really rough time. Literally.

So, it's November and Jogja has been so gloomy these days.
Gloomy. That's the only word came up in my mind whenever I think about November. Despite all the 'mostly rainy' and 'mostly windy' and 'rarely sunny', November personally gives me that really gloomy feeling.
Maybe this is the curse of being born on November.
November is the time when I always take a look on what I've done and who I've become. And it always gets me terribly sad; realizing that I'm gaining some things by losing the other things. I can't be sure of do I grow up being a better person, or the other way around. I made so much mistakes I haven't done fixing, losing so much things I probably can never replace.

Time.
That's the thing that troubled me in this past 365 days. Like, what else can I do to be friends with it??? I was trying my best to make everyone happy but... time never let me be. I do need some more time for myself and my closest persons. I miss them, a lot. I miss having quality time with these sweet people. I've had enough rough time.
Enough.
I want my old life back.

An artwork by my dearest Kinanthi Sekar

19 Ultimate

I'm currently being in a state where I change my mind twice as much as the red turns green on the traffic light.
Uh.
(What? Is this early-adulthood life crisis?)
In a second I think I'm gonna dive into my major. Get in post-graduate program right after I complete my undergraduate program, and if I'm lucky enough I will go abroad. Then, get a job, working just like what I am supposed to be (isn't it the point of getting into college, passing the hard years being the victim of what's so called curriculum?). Fulfilling my what-to-do-before-I-get-married list. And then get married, having kids I'd go hang out with every weekend. Getting old, seeing my kids having new families and making me be a granny. Enjoying my last day on a rocking chair then finally rest in peace.

But in the next second I think of how I don't wanna be a working mother. I'm just gonna spend my days with my kids, seeing them growing up and taking a lot of pictures of them so that they have their childhood memories captured on photos. (And by the way I've had sooo many photo ideas for them since pretty long time ago. Well prepared, right? :p) (Or maybe I'm just too obsessed with family photography ideas). I don't think I'm gonna get bored staying at home while my kids spending their time on the school because...well, because I also have a long list of fun things to do besides taking a thousand pictures. Baking cakes or doing any kind of experiments in the kitchen, painting, house decorating, planting flowers, taking a knitting course, making DIY stuffs, et cetera et cetera...

Can I have a sneak peak of my future life, pretty please? (•̯͡.•̯͡)

A Very Beautiful Note

Surat Terbuka untuk Anak 1993

Tahun ini, ramai-ramai kita semua bertransformasi. Muncul satu kepala baru, tanda usia makin menua. Tidak ada lagi embel-embel "belas" ketika menyebutkan nominal usia kronologis. Sepertinya itu bagus, karena setidaknya kita tidak akan lagi disebut belum cukup umur.
Di dunia nyata, setiap akhir adalah awal dari sesuatu yang baru. Begitu pula akhir masa remaja yang merupakan awal masa dewasa. Akhir dari masa selalu meminta, awal dari masa mulai memberi. Akhir dari masa minum susu peninggi badan, awal dari masa minum susu penguat tulang.

Karena setiap pertambahan hari adalah pertambahan usia, dan pertambahan usia adalah pertambahan pengalaman, mari sesekali kita merayakan. Mungkin tidak lagi dengan tiup lilin dan kue ulang tahun, tapi tetap dengan rentetan ucapan serta doa pengharapan. Mungkin tidak lagi ada kehadiran badut pesta, tapi pasti tetap ada teman-teman. Ulang tahun, seberapapun klisenya, tetap saja punya makna.
Dan di harimu, semoga kau semakin cakap menarik makna.
Dan di hidupmu, semoga kau selalu berbahagia.


Regards,
Dilla, masih 19 tahun

Nobody Said It Was Easy

Ketika orang lain meragukan kita, kenapa kita harus ikut meragu?
Ketika orang lain merendahkan kita, kenapa kita harus merasa rendah?
Ketika orang lain berkata kita tidak mampu, kenapa kita harus merasa tidak sanggup?

Ketika mereka bilang mereka saja tidak bisa, kenapa kita harus sama dengan mereka?
Ketika mereka ungkapkan banyaknya halangan, kenapa kita harus melihat ketidakmungkinan?
Ketika mereka bilang begini dan begitu, kenapa harus selalu kita dengarkan?

Dalam proses belajar, kita memang harus rajin mendengar. Tapi apa yang kita dengar tidak seharusnya selalu kita jadikan beban. Kalau terasa sakit, rasakan saja, toh itu bagian dari proses. Tidak ada salahnya kita mencoba apa yang dikata orang nyaris mustahil. Kan hanya nyaris. Toh tidak ada jaminan kita pasti gagal. Seorang hebat pernah berkata, gagal itu hanya kemungkinan, bukan kepastian. Ketika kita mungkin gagal, bukankah itu berarti kita juga mungkin berhasil?
Prediktor keberhasilan sama sekali bukanlah kesesuaian dengan rencana maupun harapan, apalagi kesuksesan. Mampu belajar dari kegagalan adalah keberhasilan besar. Sanggup memulai saja sudah bisa disebut berhasil, berhasil melawan rasa ragu. Bahkan sekedar kita berani, itu juga merupakan keberhasilan, setidaknya berhasil melawan rasa takut.

Terkadang, lebih baik sibuk berjalan daripada menyibukkan diri dengan mendengar, atau melukai hati dengan kesakitan, apalagi menumpulkan otak dengan keraguan.

One Day, We'll Loook Back & Smile

Don't we all want to live the life in such a way that if a photograph were taken at random, it would be a cool photograph?

But then I think about it all over again, again and again, until I'm finally realizing one thing, that we're all already have that kind of life. We capture without camera, don't we? And every second we have, every moment we cherish, is incredibly captivating, yes?

Lovefoolosophy

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you've made or the dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you're broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you're confused." - Alan Cohen