There You Go

As usual, at the beginning of the year I said to myself that I would write at least once a month. And as usual, months went by and none of my words coming out in this platform. Other than my personal daily journal that I bring everywhere with me (which basically just a daily to-do list and random quotes that catches my eyes during the day), I write nothing. I miss those old times where writing used to be my favorite therapy, and the goosebumps that I feel after reading an old post, be it about a glimpse of thought or a life changing event or a mandatory reflective slash overthinking writing on my birthday (which I also didn't do last year).

Life changes a lot, lately. From getting my dream job to resigning and try another opportunity; from dating my bestfriend to marrying him; from leaving my hometown to building a new home. It all happens in a year. In my excuse I would say that there’s too much to write. But the truth is I am nothing more than a lazy ass who keeps on making excuses.

And there it is, the first pointless writing in 2018. 😂

Living with Less: The Beginning

It's funny how in the end of the year, I become exactly the opposite of me at the beginning of the year. From having too much of everything, to having as little amount as possible.
I used to love keeping memorable pieces of anything. Notebooks, birthday cards, co-cards, presentation cue cards, old CDs, ticket concerts, graduation sash, even high school uniform... well, basically anything. Speaking of make up, skin care, body care and other girl stuffs, I am no better. I was a little push over when it comes to those beauty stuffs. Watching beauty vlogs and reviews on Instagram makes it worse... lol. My life was full of never ending what-to-buy list.

There came the time when I had to move out. Leaving the place I have been calling home for years, and found out that there's no way I could bring all my stuff. When sorting things, I began to realize that none of those beauty stuffs ever become an empty bottle. Surprise surprise, I didn't really use them; I only loved the idea of having them.

That is how I choose to stop. I wanted to make the best use of everything, so I decided to only keep one of each product. I even only have one lip balm now! What an accomplishment! 😂
I must admit that it was hard at the first few days. Like... I felt like I had no option, and besides, I HAD to put those things back to its exact place right after I use it. But after I get used to it, life becomes a lot easier and the house looks a lot more neat and organized. Then I think, why don't I try to simplify everything else? Well, I'm currently trying to learn about minimalist living, konmari, and capsule wardrobe. Hopefully next month me and husband will be ready to declutter for a fresh new year.. 😁

And Now It's Gone

Couple days ago I had a little talk with my dad. He was telling the story about how he lost his father. I must admit that I know nothing about my grandpa other than his name, because he had passed away long before dad even meet mom. After dad finished telling me the story, I began to realize that I don't know much about dad. We've been living together under the same roof since the day I born. But unlike him who knows everything about me, I barely know him. His childhood moments, his relationship with his parents, what makes him who he is right now... I know nothing other than the ones he told me, or what people told me about him. 

Because there were no Facebook, or blogs, or Instagram, or Twitter, or Youtube channel. Dad, and other people around his age, have no record about themselves. They didn't post selfies with nice caption in it. They took photos on special occasion and hung it on the wall. They didn't tell the world what's on their mind. They shared their thoughts to the ones they cared about. They didn't talk to their relatives who lived abroad. They made conversation with the people around them. They didn't create persona. They built personality.

Back to 2013, I watched Her for the very first time at the cinema and it haunted me for quite a long time. It scared the hell out of me, to think that someday this world would be like that. To think that I would live my life like Theodore Twombly. Coming home from work, greeted by imaginary friend instead of actual human being. It's just... sad. As the movie ended, it left a heartache in me. Maybe, just maybe, because deep down inside I knew that sooner or later it would come to our reality.

Three years passed faster than the speed of sound. I came home from lunch date with my boyfriend. We said goodbye, and five minutes later we said hello through the screen. I know what my friends are up to just by looking at the screen. I can buy the things displayed on the screen. I order foods by touching the screen. I talk to people behind the screen.

Social medias have changed the way we live our life. We care a little bit too much about recording, capturing, writing, updating, posting, and creating our life on social media. We have a talk, share the laugh, telling stories, making memories, on social media. We hold phones longer than we hold hands. We stare at the phones longer than we stare each others' eyes. Are we really sharing or are we just bragging? Why do we capturing pictures but forget to enjoy the moments? Since when scrolling down becomes the new way of having fun?

I miss the old time. But now it's gone. And what's gone is gone. We are welcoming the whole new world where we are all alone among the crowd.

Leaving 2016

I took Best Nine 2016 for fun and suddenly thinking, that it's pretty much what my 2016 looks like. 

Unlike the years before, this year I didn't write birthday post. I will make it up by writing 2016 post. Hahaha... 

So... 

Earlier this year I officially graduated. And I couldn't be more thankful because two weeks after my graduation day, I got my first job. And turns out, it is the job that I really like. It's been 9 months now, I struggle a lot and I learn a lot more. 

This year I finally revisited Lombok and I was so so so happy about it. Living in Lombok for 2 months back then in 2014 makes me feel like this place is my home. This short gateway was like coming back home. 

This year our family is reunited. We spend more time together, and I'm beyond happy for it. 

And at the end of this year, I tied the knot with a man who has been a best friend, a brother, a partner to me for 8 years. 

2016 is such a good year for me. I'm thankful for very step I took, every mistakes I made, every people I met. Sums up, I think I'm leaving 2016 with a wide smile in my face. 

Before Sunrise

I just woke up by the dream that seemed so vivid, leaving the longing feeling of the moments passed by in there.
Maybe it's a sign. Or just a casual dream. Maybe it was telling me something. Or just me whom taking it too seriously. Or maybe it leads me to the answer that I've been searching for.

Until Then

we sat on a roof, named every star
you showed me a place
where you can be what you are
and the view, the whole milky way
in your eyes, I drifted away
and in your arms, I just want to sway
amazing day
amazing day

Yellow

Tonight I'm thanking God for giving me such a beautiful family.
We just had a good time at the studio. Mom and Dad, eventhou they didn't take big part of the band, looked happy and enjoying the night too.
It's been years since big brother living apart from us for his study, and then he was continuing his work away from home. Long story short, few weeks ago, he got himself resigned from the company he worked for, and decided to stay at home for a while.
Little brother, who used to live away too, chooses to commuter now. So do I. I am no longer living in Jogja eventhou I still work there. But I personally think it's okay to spend 2 hours driving everyday.
So here we are, seven of us reunited again.
It's always been a happy day at home. Because everyone are here. This house is like finding its spark all over again.
You can call me melancholy, but I feel the warm inside of me whenever I join Mom and Dad's karaoke time, having quality time at parents' room, getting into roadtrip-to-whenever with them... No matter how much we love these kind of moments, we know that nothing lasts forever. Including this togetherness. Because eventually, we will live separately. Thus, I wanna capture it in this writing.
We may not be the kind of family who tell we love each other, take a lot of picture in every moment, or showing affection with kisses and hugs.
But we know that we are tied by blood, living by faith, loving with the whole heart.

May Allah always bless us.

Blue Whale

I guess this is how it feels to be tired but cannot sleep.
Well, it sucks. Hahaha...
So, guilty feeling is eating me up. Midnight thoughts combined with a lack of sleep and too much caffeine intake is the cruelest.
I failed in managing my priorities. I messed things up. I've given up every sources that I had, and now I'm reaching my lowest point. Sums up, I disappoint myself.

How could this happen?
I was doing well when I got everything written on the list. Since I began to forget the magic of written agendas, I started to screw things up. As simple as that: writing is simple, but it matters.

People keep telling me not to be too hard on myself, learning to say no, and the list go on and on. But deep down inside I have this hidden agenda; I wanna train myself to bear a weigher workload. I won't let myself passing a year without any personal development. I keep in mind that the pain worth the gain. So here I am, promising myself to write again.

And here, I present you, my new mate.

Cheers!

Here's to the person who makes my life a lot easier. 

Yeah the Truth is...

There’s nothing special in hellos and goodbyes. We face it like almost every time, almost in every phases of our lives. In every beginning, in every ending; since everything has expired date. Don't you think we should’ve gotten used to it?

There’s nothing special in hellos and goodbyes. There’s only some of us who takes it harder than what it should be.

Why don’t we take it as a casual thing?

It’s just that you need to tell where do you grow up, your childhood memories, your relationship with your family. Your favorite bands, your kind of music, your favorite movies, the books that changed the way you see something. Your wildest dream, your weird habits, your obsession towards Jane Austen, how you manage to remember every lines in A Walk to Remember, your delusional thoughts about the existence of Hogwarts. To explain that you’re an over-attached person, that you’re having a love-hate relationship with your car, that you can’t live without your notebook, that you love road trip so much. That you are a goddamn picky eater, that you love the scent of chocolate but hate chocolate bars, that you would love to build a house with a white walls but colorful kitchen, that you choose McD over KFC all the way, that regardless of how you look, you secretly in love with pink stuffs and flowers. To tell about your fears, your midnight thoughts, your scariest nightmare. Your pride as a person, your accomplishments, and your insecurities. Your dreams, and the values you hold for life.

And then you realize you have shared so much to a person who used to mean the world to you. 

That a goodbye can never be easy, and a hello costs a lot more than just a single hi. 

That to share the same vision, to make a room in your life for a new person, to write a new story…is hard.

That, is how you realize that goodbye sucks.

22

This is an annual writing about ...

The Heart of The Matter

One day when I finally have kids on my own, I will teach them to clean up their own mess. To throw trashes on the appropriate trash bin. To follow the queue line. Not to use water more than what they need. To say sorry, please, and thank you. Tell them to respect everyone no matter what.

I may not be able to change the world. I may not be able to solve all the problems. This world has been a mess since forever. But I’m sure I can do small things, at least not to worsen this chaotic planet.

(I write this as a promise to myself not to be those kind of parents who tell their kids that it’s okay to be ignorant, selfish and rude. Pardon me but I just can’t hold the anger when I see parents who teach their kids to break the queue and throwing trash anywhere. I can easily find those kind of parents almost everywhere. Those kind of parents who create little monsters.)

It's Nobody's Fault

Do you ever feel bad about the bad things happen around you? So bad that it hurts. Feels worse that I can't do anything to make it right. My guilty feeling is just overwhelming it starts to eat me alive.
I had a talk with my dad earlier today and I came to the realization that actually, we can't save people. We can only help them. But please keep in mind that it ain't our duty to drag them back to the right path. We don't even capable to do so. What is right and wrong, anyway?
I need to learn to forgive. To tell myself that hey, it's okay. You don't have to bear the weight of the world on your shoulder. The world is still round even when you're not around.

I Got A Long List Of Her Future Name

I'm thinking about having a pet. A dog or a cat would be fine...
I've been thinking about this for months, therefore I know that it's not just an impulsive thought hahaha... Regardless my prior anxiety towards (all kind of) animal, I really want to have one, now. It sounds weird but I can't wait for the time when I come home and having a cute little creature welcoming me. But since there's a strict rule in my house about not to have any pet, I still have to wait for a couple year til I get my own house and make my own rule.

Sailing Away

There were times when good things seemed so close to my grasp.
Like, wait a minute and it all will be yours.
But what is life if it ain't full of surprises right? So there it goes. Surprising me with the loss.

I saw it with my eyes, how a night could turn the whole thing around. 
It should've been... It could've been...
But I was at a loss. Then everything was gone.
The gradual changing was following afterwards.
Lead me to another space, another place.

It's okay... It's okay...
I'm acting like it was okay when it's killing me inside.
But I still gotta sail, sail away.

The Age of Worry

It's hard to put my thoughts into words when there's a mess inside my head. That's why I prefer to find the solution on my own rather than asking for help. Because I consider telling people about my problem is causing another problem.

Close your eyes and clone yourself
Build your heart an army
to defend your innocence
while you do everything wrong

But I got stuck. Self-blaming and overthinking made things worse.
I randomly said hi to an old friend of mine and started to talk.
And magic did happen.
I paid attention to every words that I had said. I slowly analyzed what actually happened, what was on my mind, and what burdened me these times.
Then I realized, that I should've done this sooner. Because things suddenly got clearer.
And it's true that there's a light even in the darkest place.

Don't be scared to walk alone
Don't be scared to like it
There's no time that you must be home
So sleep where darkness falls

God only gives you the weight that you can bear, or a little bit weightier to lift you up to the higher place, becoming a better and stronger person. And sometimes you can look around, who knows God has already put someone to help you get through it.

Alive in the age of worry
Smile in the age of worry
Go wild in the age of worry
And say, "Worry, why should I care?"

And after all, just like what my mom told me earlier today, everyone has their age of worry. Where life seems like full of clueless pieces of puzzle. It's okay, you're gonna figure it out by the time. Go try try try, and never give up.

Waiting Outside the Lines

When every decision that you make turns out to be wrong,
you shall start to realize
that sometimes things don't work the way you thought it would be.
Then you have to evaluate,
how does it come out wrong,
is it purely a wrong choice, or are you the one who did something wrong.

When you have done the best of what you can but things still go wrong,
maybe it's not the right time,
maybe it's not the right place,
maybe it's not right for you,
because it's not meant to be for you.

Embrace your loss,
because you deserve a peace.

Grow a Day Older

I learned something today, and I think it's really important to keep reminding myself about this one: happiness is a state of mind. It is very personal thing, and you've got it all in your head. You can always choose either to be happy or not at all. So, if you can choose to be happy, why do you mind choosing the other way around? :)

Today, I won against my ego; my biggest enemy. Something made me really upset, but instead of letting my ego win by throwing profanities or put myself in a war of conceited souls, I took a step back and chose to keep my hands clean. I didn't want to get myself fooling around in the same mistake over and over again. I didn't want to sacrifice my happiness for a temporal glory. So I walked away and left what's need to be left behind; the whinny ego who always wants to win.

Well, isn't it better to be peacefully happy than winning over a war? :)

A Little Reminder for Myself

Every choice comes with both good and bad things. You can not just take the good, because the bad ones are what makes the good feels good.
Being mature isn't defined by age but how you think and act. How brave you are to take the risks without you forget to calculate. How well you take responsibilities over what you have chosen. How you set up your priorities. How you manage yourself to keep chasing your goals. And realizing that obstacles are something that you have to overcome instead of to avoid.

Dear self, you have gone this far. Don't you dare thinking about starting over and leave this shits undone. Finish what you have started. Make every single day count, and don't stop when you're tired because you shall stop only when it's done. That's what grown up people do. And I know you can.
Good luck.

Like A Fool

Unless you've ever been in the same road, taking the same journey, having the same destiny...you would never know how it feels. Since everyone is struggling in their own battles, it's better to take our hands off of anyone else's problem as long as they don't ask for help. I've heard about this and that, for every decision I have made for myself. People won't stop talking but I can choose not to put my attention over those negative comments. But then again, it's easier to be said than to be done, especially for me. I should have swallowed my own advice but this is harder than taking a bitter pill.
I feel like I'm stuck inside a maze and can not choose any of the doors to lead me home. And now every step becomes harder to take. I'm staring at one door but never be sure if it's right and too afraid to get lost. I want to take my step back but still not sure if it can lead me to the right path. It's getting dark and I've got to choose before the sun goes down, but my doubt keeps my feet on the ground. Just like a fool.