Still Alive but Barely Breathing

In the end, we can only regret the chances we didn't take, right? It absolutely would be awesome if I could turn back and unbelievably say, "Man, I did it!" rather than endlessly wondering "If only I tried, who knows, maybe I could make it...", just like now.
Don't look back in anger. It's supposed to be that way, I know. But it kills me slowly, somehow, to keep on pretending I'm fine living in this safe and sound empty space. I'm engaged to a routine, bounded by the rules. Maybe that's what keeps me away from the idea of dreaming. They say, you should keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart. Uh, no way, I only have one and it's fragile...
I'm turning 19 in couple months.
I look back, and find no accomplishment. Such a bloody waste of time. How am I supposed not to get upset to myself??! It turns out to be me who let myself down, instead of that heart-breaker thingy called dream.
Of course I have a long list of what I wanna do. But I find none of them got a checkmark yet. Lack of time, lack of money, lack of chance, or maybe lack of...willingness.
Follow your heart, and your dreams will come true. Read this somewhere, but the fff with that. My heart doesn't say a thing, and I don't even have dreams. Ahh I feel like a piece of shh. You can kill a dreamer, but you can't kill the dream, a proverb says. Look, I'm not a dreamer, don't have any dream. Therefore you can pull the trigger and shoot me right away. In ease.

Just Do It

"Do what you love doing." they said.
But... what do I love doing?

I don't know, but it scares the hell out of me every time the picture of my future self has to do a job I can never enjoy happens to strike my little mind. Okay, maybe I'm not literally the one who ever comes to this thought. But at this very moment, I feel like surrounded by people who have already figured out their passion, and they leave me behind.....

For a second I think of blaming my parents for not helping me find one. The next second I wanna slap myself for having such a thought. Hey, they've done so much, as much as what so called "parents" can possibly do.
I remember mom has once told me the reason why she bought a piano 12 years ago, whilst none of our family were able playing the piano, was because when she was on my age she wanted to learn piano but her parents couldn't afford it. She thought I would love to learn too............. ( ._.)
We suppose to do anything with passion, aight? The truth is, in this case, I didn't. I had no passion, no interest, and it seemed like I wasn't gifted too. In 2006 I got a chance playing piano on a mini concert in Jogja. For the God's sake, after the yearsssss that I've wasted learning piano, I could only do Beautiful Dreamer!! Yesssshhh, ain't cool at all. Compared to my big brother who played Für Elise, I was really nothing.

(Anyway, you might have seen this video about an amazing 6yo pianist. Ouuyeahhhh, I definitely need to put a plastic bag on my head.)

As I got older, I started to be able to make decisions. I told mom, I didn't like playing piano from the very first place. Maybe it did break her heart, but she finally let me quit the course. Then I said I wanted to learn playing drum, she said yes without even thinking. After a year, I quit. Later, when I got in high school, playing guitar seemed cool. I asked mom to buy me guitar, but I ended up --just like what you might have guessed-- having below average skill.

The point is, I have nothing to do with music.
Drawings? No way. I used to cry my heart out whenever I gotta do drawing-thingy for the sake of my art class. So, case closed.

I love eating, but I'm not that good in cooking. I love reading, but I'm not good at writing.
Well, it seems like I never be good enough in any particular thing.

Back to the main question, what's my passion. Since I haven't figured it out yet, Imma do whatever I like, without any compulsion. No target, just do it.