Still Alive but Barely Breathing

In the end, we can only regret the chances we didn't take, right? It absolutely would be awesome if I could turn back and unbelievably say, "Man, I did it!" rather than endlessly wondering "If only I tried, who knows, maybe I could make it...", just like now.
Don't look back in anger. It's supposed to be that way, I know. But it kills me slowly, somehow, to keep on pretending I'm fine living in this safe and sound empty space. I'm engaged to a routine, bounded by the rules. Maybe that's what keeps me away from the idea of dreaming. They say, you should keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart. Uh, no way, I only have one and it's fragile...
I'm turning 19 in couple months.
I look back, and find no accomplishment. Such a bloody waste of time. How am I supposed not to get upset to myself??! It turns out to be me who let myself down, instead of that heart-breaker thingy called dream.
Of course I have a long list of what I wanna do. But I find none of them got a checkmark yet. Lack of time, lack of money, lack of chance, or maybe lack of...willingness.
Follow your heart, and your dreams will come true. Read this somewhere, but the fff with that. My heart doesn't say a thing, and I don't even have dreams. Ahh I feel like a piece of shh. You can kill a dreamer, but you can't kill the dream, a proverb says. Look, I'm not a dreamer, don't have any dream. Therefore you can pull the trigger and shoot me right away. In ease.