Say Something Now

If I'm allowed to personally describe myself in a good way, I consider myself as a person who's pretty good in words. It's like I have lots of them in my mind.
But I have a problem in expressing them. I mean, adding up the proper expression then saying it to the person who deserve it. Oh pardon my ego.
Yesterday was December 22, a Mother Day. I really wanted to upload her pics to my socmeds and give some beautiful words as the caption (just like everyone else did, yesterday) but... I was challenging myself not to do such a thing unless I have said those-beautiful-words directly to mom first.

There was some kind of battle inside my head between my thankful heart and my cold ego. I wasn't raised in a full-of-sweet-nothings kind of family who easily expressing one's affection, so...my ego was coming out as the winner of this war.
But I didn't let it easily go that way. Basically I love challenge so... I bought her her favorite cake, and in the end of the day I gave it to her and told her in a very awkward way...... "Selamat hari ibu, Bu".
I knew she deserved something better than that but that was the most possible thing I could do for now.
I wish I could say how much she mean to me. I won't something cheesy like she's the best mom on earth, but here's the thing...
She's a very logic person with a kind heart. She's the kind of person who doesn't talk much but literally do something. She's more like telling us about something with her acts instead of her words. And I think that's the best way of parents telling their kids what to do.
She gave up her ego and never obliged us to become who she wants us to be. Not every kids in this world is blessed with acceptance from their parents to be whoever they want to be. My parents don't mind with what the society says, they support us as best as they can do.
As a woman, she's brave and independent, bright and hardworker but very capable of taking care of our family. She's the idea of what a woman should be, so that's why I want to grow up becoming a woman like her.
We don't say 'I love you's often. But don't we already know we do? After all, we sort of keeping it for the special occasions and I think that's brilliant because those words will never become less meaningful.

If I could get back to womb and choose my future mother, I wouldn't wish for anyone else but her. Yes, she's the best of what the world can offer.
And after all, all I can say is... her flaws don't make her less perfect for me. I don't care what the world say because in my world, she's the best.

Not A Bad Thing

I guess God is good. I believe God has a bigger, better plan for anyone, each of every living thing, than what we  have made for ourselves.
I failed in working on my plan. But here I learn to get up and smile again. I'm not the one who's been here, and when I see them get stronger I know I have to be one. Hard time is something that I must deal with, but with the people around me right now, I know it can't be that hard.
I need to get ready for another plan. Maybe not sometime soon. But for whenever it will be, it's important for me to keep on telling myself that I, just like everyone else, deserve to be happy too.

The Art of Letting Go

Now playing: Supersymmetry - Arcade Fire

This writing is a reminder that life can't always seem good all the time.
Things I've been holding on tightly for so long... I never thought I would lose my grip on it, but now I eventually watching it goes away. But do you know that feeling when you are loosing a grip? Exactly. You feel that kind of relief. That the strain can finally be released. Then you feel the lighter burden.

Deep down inside I quite much understand how sooner or later regrets will come over me. That "why didn't you try a little harder" or whatever you name it... I know they will haunt me someday. But for whatever it will become...for now, I'd like to let myself feel all the feelings that demand to be felt. The freedom, and emptiness. Excitement, and disappointment. Gain, and pain. Relief, and grief.

I hope this sum up of everything that happened to me lately brings me up to the next level.

Do I Even Need to Give It A Name?

I have that kind of tendency to like a song if I can sing it along. Knowing the lyrics, knowing what it is about. Moreover, if it has something related with me. Most of all, it goes this way. But sometimes, I'd prefer listen to a completely strange mixtape which I can only listen to its music, enjoying every sound without bothering myself with the idea of understanding what it actually means.
The same thing goes with people. People whom I know personally, who has something in common with me... I'd prefer being surrounded by these people, most of the time. But sometimes, there comes a time when I just wanna be a stranger to strangers. Another human beings whom I don't need to know who, whom I don't need to understand why. To have a guarantee that this is a kind of 'one night stand'. To know that there will be no judgement for whatever happens, for at least the judgement has no impact. To be reassured that they don't come to stop by, because they're people who's passing by.

This will be a very quick post

I find out that life is just as hard as we think it is. I am very thankful for whatever I already have in my life, and always doing the best of what I can do to have some more. But I forget that sometimes I have to look back to the day when I had less; how I could survive and still be happy as well.

This is not just a part of a college life. Not just an escaping idea. This is a journey. Another way to learn and grow. A reminder that life is great, and I gotta always be thankful for the life that God has given to me. A space to figure out how strong the bounds I've made with the people I love. A way to notice how distance is just a word when two hearts are still beating for one another.

Pesanggrahan, Lombok Timur

July 27th, 2014