22

This is an annual writing about ...

The Heart of The Matter

One day when I finally have kids on my own, I will teach them to clean up their own mess. To throw trashes on the appropriate trash bin. To follow the queue line. Not to use water more than what they need. To say sorry, please, and thank you. Tell them to respect everyone no matter what.

I may not be able to change the world. I may not be able to solve all the problems. This world has been a mess since forever. But I’m sure I can do small things, at least not to worsen this chaotic planet.

(I write this as a promise to myself not to be those kind of parents who tell their kids that it’s okay to be ignorant, selfish and rude. Pardon me but I just can’t hold the anger when I see parents who teach their kids to break the queue and throwing trash anywhere. I can easily find those kind of parents almost everywhere. Those kind of parents who create little monsters.)

It's Nobody's Fault

Do you ever feel bad about the bad things happen around you? So bad that it hurts. Feels worse that I can't do anything to make it right. My guilty feeling is just overwhelming it starts to eat me alive.
I had a talk with my dad earlier today and I came to the realization that actually, we can't save people. We can only help them. But please keep in mind that it ain't our duty to drag them back to the right path. We don't even capable to do so. What is right and wrong, anyway?
I need to learn to forgive. To tell myself that hey, it's okay. You don't have to bear the weight of the world on your shoulder. The world is still round even when you're not around.

I Got A Long List Of Her Future Name

I'm thinking about having a pet. A dog or a cat would be fine...
I've been thinking about this for months, therefore I know that it's not just an impulsive thought hahaha... Regardless my prior anxiety towards (all kind of) animal, I really want to have one, now. It sounds weird but I can't wait for the time when I come home and having a cute little creature welcoming me. But since there's a strict rule in my house about not to have any pet, I still have to wait for a couple year til I get my own house and make my own rule.

Sailing Away

There were times when good things seemed so close to my grasp.
Like, wait a minute and it all will be yours.
But what is life if it ain't full of surprises right? So there it goes. Surprising me with the loss.

I saw it with my eyes, how a night could turn the whole thing around. 
It should've been... It could've been...
But I was at a loss. Then everything was gone.
The gradual changing was following afterwards.
Lead me to another space, another place.

It's okay... It's okay...
I'm acting like it was okay when it's killing me inside.
But I still gotta sail, sail away.

The Age of Worry

It's hard to put my thoughts into words when there's a mess inside my head. That's why I prefer to find the solution on my own rather than asking for help. Because I consider telling people about my problem is causing another problem.

Close your eyes and clone yourself
Build your heart an army
to defend your innocence
while you do everything wrong

But I got stuck. Self-blaming and overthinking made things worse.
I randomly said hi to an old friend of mine and started to talk.
And magic did happen.
I paid attention to every words that I had said. I slowly analyzed what actually happened, what was on my mind, and what burdened me these times.
Then I realized, that I should've done this sooner. Because things suddenly got clearer.
And it's true that there's a light even in the darkest place.

Don't be scared to walk alone
Don't be scared to like it
There's no time that you must be home
So sleep where darkness falls

God only gives you the weight that you can bear, or a little bit weightier to lift you up to the higher place, becoming a better and stronger person. And sometimes you can look around, who knows God has already put someone to help you get through it.

Alive in the age of worry
Smile in the age of worry
Go wild in the age of worry
And say, "Worry, why should I care?"

And after all, just like what my mom told me earlier today, everyone has their age of worry. Where life seems like full of clueless pieces of puzzle. It's okay, you're gonna figure it out by the time. Go try try try, and never give up.

Waiting Outside the Lines

When every decision that you make turns out to be wrong,
you shall start to realize
that sometimes things don't work the way you thought it would be.
Then you have to evaluate,
how does it come out wrong,
is it purely a wrong choice, or are you the one who did something wrong.

When you have done the best of what you can but things still go wrong,
maybe it's not the right time,
maybe it's not the right place,
maybe it's not right for you,
because it's not meant to be for you.

Embrace your loss,
because you deserve a peace.

Grow a Day Older

I learned something today, and I think it's really important to keep reminding myself about this one: happiness is a state of mind. It is very personal thing, and you've got it all in your head. You can always choose either to be happy or not at all. So, if you can choose to be happy, why do you mind choosing the other way around? :)

Today, I won against my ego; my biggest enemy. Something made me really upset, but instead of letting my ego win by throwing profanities or put myself in a war of conceited souls, I took a step back and chose to keep my hands clean. I didn't want to get myself fooling around in the same mistake over and over again. I didn't want to sacrifice my happiness for a temporal glory. So I walked away and left what's need to be left behind; the whinny ego who always wants to win.

Well, isn't it better to be peacefully happy than winning over a war? :)

A Little Reminder for Myself

Every choice comes with both good and bad things. You can not just take the good, because the bad ones are what makes the good feels good.
Being mature isn't defined by age but how you think and act. How brave you are to take the risks without you forget to calculate. How well you take responsibilities over what you have chosen. How you set up your priorities. How you manage yourself to keep chasing your goals. And realizing that obstacles are something that you have to overcome instead of to avoid.

Dear self, you have gone this far. Don't you dare thinking about starting over and leave this shits undone. Finish what you have started. Make every single day count, and don't stop when you're tired because you shall stop only when it's done. That's what grown up people do. And I know you can.
Good luck.

Like A Fool

Unless you've ever been in the same road, taking the same journey, having the same destiny...you would never know how it feels. Since everyone is struggling in their own battles, it's better to take our hands off of anyone else's problem as long as they don't ask for help. I've heard about this and that, for every decision I have made for myself. People won't stop talking but I can choose not to put my attention over those negative comments. But then again, it's easier to be said than to be done, especially for me. I should have swallowed my own advice but this is harder than taking a bitter pill.
I feel like I'm stuck inside a maze and can not choose any of the doors to lead me home. And now every step becomes harder to take. I'm staring at one door but never be sure if it's right and too afraid to get lost. I want to take my step back but still not sure if it can lead me to the right path. It's getting dark and I've got to choose before the sun goes down, but my doubt keeps my feet on the ground. Just like a fool.

I Remember How Dory Said "Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming!"

There will always be someone better than who you are. Something better than what you have. Some places better than where you have been. Some crazier ideas than you have ever thought. Some prettier things than what you have ever seen. Simply because we love to look up to the sky and we know how the sky has no limit. We always crave for something more.

Mr. Nobody (2009) has this idea that before we bumped out into human being on earth, we live in a world where we are all babies who know everything. Knowing who we will become, where we will live, who we will marry, even how we face the death. Knowing what will it be if we choose something, or if we choose something else. But before we turn into womb, Angel of Oblivion tells us not to remember everything we already know, then she puts her finger into our lips as a sign to keep these secrets, leaving the mark on our upper lips.

The perks of being twenty-something: we are young but we gotta figure out what we will become. Sometimes I have tons of dreams and goals, feels like the spirit is overwhelming and suddenly becoming very passionate about life. But there also comes the time when I have no idea what the future brings.
Life wouldn't be this surprising if the Angel of Oblivion forgot to leave the mark on my upper lips. But when this please-give-me-a-clue-because-I-have-no-idea-what-my-future-will-be-like kind of thoughts come, I feel like I would like to beg her to let me take a peek of my future life. Life has got me too much offers, forcing me to choose one of the options and let the rest left behind.

The craving for something more is what keeps me alive. What keeps my life going and be responsible for what I have chosen. It won't be as easy as a walk in the park, but... why do we have to walk in the park if we can walk across the world? :)