Tidak Seharusnya

Tidak seharusnya mereka yang pergi mempertanyakan mengapa mereka dilupakan.

Wonderwall

Sometimes it's the closest person to you who doesn't let you be the best of who you are.
They've known so much, they've seen too much. They've been there thru the thick and thin. They know what you can and also what you can't. They've figured out the brightest and the darkest side of you. They've seen you when you're on the top and also when you're on the bottom. Their love is just too much to let you get hurt. They're the person who keep your feet on the ground while you put your head up the clouds.

In the end, it's your choice to stay on the ground or dare to jump a little higher.
You must have known that when you go a little farther you will probably get in a bigger trouble and face a bigger fear. But a probability ain't something that definitely will happen, right?
Tell them you're okay, then prove them wrong.

"I love you. You belong to me."
"No. People don't belong to people."
"Of course they do."
"I will never let anyone put me in a cage."
"I don't wanna put you in a cage. I just wanna love you."
                   -- Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)

Fiksi Ketiga

Hujan itu manis, bagi mereka yang berdiam nyaman di balik jendela.
Hujan itu romantis, bagi mereka yang sedang bersanding berdua.
Tapi hujan itu miris, bagi mereka yang menahan air mata. 

Midnight Conversation

"Why does everything you say seem so making sense? Really, you're good at giving advice."
"But see, they don't work on me. Not even one."

There's a Light that Never Goes Out

I’ve been with her for 7 years, she has known the whole me since we were still in junior high school…and I don’t ever see the dark takes place even for a second.

Today she’s turning into 19, happy birthday my dear :)

May God give you a bigger heart, brighter days, wider smiles, and let the universe helping you catching your dreams. Always be your mom&dad’s little girl, your sister’s best friend, your brother’s best mate. The number of your age will get bigger as the time goes by, but your beauty will remain cos it comes from your heart. You’re wonderful, and I know you’re gonna get better and better as you grow older.

I love you, Milka. Smooocchh! :*

Birthday Girl

 

Thank you, thank you, buddies. Yes, I'm a very happy 19 years old girl :D

Counting Down to 19

Saya sedang mengamati pergantian hari. Sedang menyaksikan perubahan malam menjadi pagi. Sedang menikmati hari terakhir saya menulis angka 18 di kolom usia.

Di waktu-waktu yang seperti ini, solilokui tiba-tiba jadi barang favorit. Karena saya sedang sendiri, dan sedang ingin bercakap dengan diri sendiri.
Di waktu-waktu yang seperti ini, rindu terasa sangat mendominasi. Rindu senyuman orang tua saya, rindu tawa adik-adik saya, rindu pelukan kakak saya. Dan yang paling saya rindukan, adalah ucapan selamat yang mereka ucapkan dengan kecanggungan tingkat dewa.
Di waktu-waktu yang seperti ini, saya mencoba introspeksi. Melihat seberapa banyak target yang belum tercapai, seberapa sedikit accomplishment yang sudah saya gapai. Mengukur sudah seberapa jauh saya berjalan, menimbang seberapa berat yang masih harus dijalankan.

Saya sedang merasa tua, karena saya tidak lagi berharap tanggal ini diingat semua teman, tidak lagi berharap mendapat kejutan, tidak lagi mengharap meniup lilin permohonan. Di sisi lain saya masih merasa muda, karena saya masih ingin tau siapa-siapa saja yang menyisakan memori untuk mengingat, meluangkan waktu untuk mengucapkan selamat di waktu yang tepat, memberi doa pengharapan dengan khitmat.
Dasar manusia...

Seperti tahun-tahun yang sudah lalu, tahun ini saya tidak punya hadiah manis untuk diri saya sendiri. Hanya setumpuk target dan sederet harapan, yang semoga saja tidak membuat saya tersiksa saat berusaha mewujudkannya. Tapi saya berjanji tahun depan akan ada "sesuatu", yang saya harap "sesuatu" itu tidak berakhir sebagai wacana seperti biasanya. Kenapa tahun depan? Yah, karena saya ingin 20 saya berbeda.

Stuck on the Puzzle

Saya mengingatmu sebagai sosok yang hampir selalu lupa nama saya, yang hampir selalu menanyakan saya anak siapa. Saya mengingatmu sebagai sosok yang selalu memeluk saya sambil berair mata, menangisi kealpaanmu akan siapa saya.
Tidak banyak yang terekam memori saya. Hanya sebatas itulah ingatan seorang anak berusia lima.
Tapi potongan adegan langkah kecil saya menyusuri jalan di kota itu, derak lantai kayu tempat kita bertemu, dan cara saya mendapat pelukan darimu... kesemuanya dapat dengan mudah membawa air mata haru. Apalagi ditambah kenyataan bahwa sekuat apapun rindu, ia tidak akan berhasil membawa kita ke dimensi yang sama untuk kembali bertemu dan berbagi cerita.
Kamu mungkin tidak tau, tapi kami mengunjungimu, selalu, setidaknya sekali dalam setahun. Dari tiap kunjungan itu saya mengumpulkan kepingan cerita tentangmu dari mereka yang beruntung lebih banyak menghabiskan waktu bersamamu.
Andai saja kamu bisa tau, kami selalu rindu. 

Soliloquy

Selamat mencaci diri sendiri.
Untuk kesempatan yang tersia-sia.
Untuk energi yang habis tanpa sisa.
Untuk waktu yang terbuang cuma-cuma.
Selamat mengutuki diri sendiri.
Untuk semua iya yang berakhir dengan tidak.
Untuk semua mau yang berakhir dengan enggan.
Untuk semua rela yang berakhir dengan paksa.
Selamat menulis ulang cerita dengan menebus lunas dosa.
Selamat menulis ulang janji dengan lebih hati-hati.
Selamat menyusun keping kepercayaan dari mereka yang kau patahkan.
Selamat mencari puing keyakinan pada diri yang kau remukkan.

Kembali

Lambatkan jalanmu, wahai sang Waktu. Jangan suka terburu. Berikan saya sedikit pemaklumanmu untuk merasa lelah dan duduk bercengkrama dengan mereka yang saya cinta, dalam satu masa.
Saya akui, perjalanan ini terlalu mengasyikkan. Saya terlalu sering lupa menyamakan langkah di persimpangan jalan. Lagi dan lagi, saya lewatkan kesempatan meringkukkan tubuh ke dalam hangat peluk mereka.
Dan kali ini, sebelum kami berlayar ke arah mata angin yang berbeda, pertemukanlah kami dan biarkan kami sedikit bermain dengan sistem maha kaku-mu, kembali ke masa-masa yang telah lalu.

When It Rains, It Pours

It's okay to feel crap about our own self sometimes. When you can't accomplish something, when you can't make things work out, when you can't reach your aim, when you can't fill the expectation, when you can't stand strong, and so on and so on... 

When you try your best but don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need 
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 
Stuck in reverse...

We all know that when it rains, it pours.
One thing you shall remind yourself about; you're not the one who's been there. Yes, we're all fucked up sometimes. And yes, everybody runs their own problem, with or without you witness it. Those who can always smile are ones who are best covering up their pain.
I've learnt that some things are best unsaid. It's better to swallow down your problems than spill them out, simply because people are either curious or don't care at all. Isn't it funny how we need help but all we get is being laughed at? That's why we gotta chill out, keep calm and carry on. We're all strong, but we break sometimes, and it's okay. Times may be though, but they will  past too :-)

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...

Caution

Now playing: A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz

We never know how much a little thing we do impacts someone's life. Never know how a little thing we say gives them a big hope. Never know how a little smile gets them head over heels. Never know how a little chitchat makes them smiling from ear to ear. Never know how a little touch keeps them awake at night. Never know how a little giggle brightens up their day. Never know how a little frown turns their life upside down. Never know how a little tear hurts them like hell. Never know how a goodbye cracks their heart and bones.
Never, never, ever know. 
We often forget that people have feelings too.

There are some people you shall not treat like the rest. They're the people whose heart is in your hand.

1433

Setiap terlibat dalam pembicaraan mengesankan, saya selalu ingin merekam tiap ucapan dan mencatat tiap maknanya. Tapi mungkin kapasitas otak tidak memadai untuk mengingat, apalagi menuangkannya kembali dalam bentuk kalimat.

Entah kenapa saya berani bertaruh, kalaupun Tuhan memberi saya 50 lebaran lagi, saya yakin tidak akan melewatkan satupun dari lebaran itu tanpa kesan.

Cry A River, Build A Bridge, Get Over It

Things to do when you're sad:

1. Listen to sad songs
Music is what makes this whole thing less painful. Y'know there's a Lenka's song goes this way "sing me a sad song and make me feel betteeeer."

2. A cup of coffee
Treat yourself with a cup of hot coffee or hot chocolate. It helps calming your nerve down.

3. Desserts
Because stressed is desserts spelled backwards!

4. Clean up the house
It will distract you from the thought of the cause of your sadness. Y'know, it's like dancing cause you have to move hap hap hap!

5. Take a long long long hot shower
Relaxing!

6. Watching movie
If you get drown in sadness then comedy won't get you laugh, it might make you screwed up even more. So, sad movies are way better. Cry your heart out, darling.

7. Sleep
If the things above don't work out then you shall sleep. Sleep always be the best cure for your messed up feeling.

8. At last but not least, Pray
You can always count on God. Don't wish for a lighten weight, wish for a stronger back instead.

Let her cry
if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
if it eases all her pain

Let Her Cry - Hootie & The Blowfish

Just So You Know

Now playing: Details in The Fabric - Jason Mraz ft James Morrison

You think you know someone. Then they surprise you. 

Semua orang terlihat biasa-biasa saja, selalu. Belasan, puluhan, ratusan, ribuan orang yang kita temui tiap harinya ingin terlihat baik-baik saja, dan kita juga ingin melihat mereka sebagai sosok-sosok yang baik-baik saja. Terlepas dari entah mereka yang tak mau memberi tau atau kita yang tak mau tau, bahwa mereka sebenarnya jauh dari keadaan baik-baik saja. Everyone feels broken sometimes. Bahkan mereka yang katanya peduli, yang katanya mencintai, bahkan yang benar-benar peduli dan mencintai kalian, nobody can really save you but yourself.
Well, one thing about pain; it demands to be felt.

Humans are made as a creature who loves to seem strong. Saya sendiri senang terlihat baik-baik saja. Kalian pasti juga, kan?

Powerbomb

That's what happens. You let people in, and they destroy you.

Build a wall around my heart,
I'll never let it fall apart
Strangely I wish secretly,
it would fall down while I'm asleep

Human is such a weird creature. Hiding ourselves inside the fortress we've built, yet secretly wishing anyone would try to break it down. This is the worst part of letting people in; you let them won the golden ticket taking control over you. Once you cut off the distance you formerly put between yourself and others, you'll get hurt. They say, this is what people do; staying alive for one another. Lemme call it a battle field, where people are busy hurting one another, for the sake of being the winner. What is this? A mob rule? The strongest comes out as the winner. This ain't fun at all, y'know.
Well, somehow it's better to be heartless, because I know I'm not strong enough...

Still Alive but Barely Breathing

In the end, we can only regret the chances we didn't take, right? It absolutely would be awesome if I could turn back and unbelievably say, "Man, I did it!" rather than endlessly wondering "If only I tried, who knows, maybe I could make it...", just like now.
Don't look back in anger. It's supposed to be that way, I know. But it kills me slowly, somehow, to keep on pretending I'm fine living in this safe and sound empty space. I'm engaged to a routine, bounded by the rules. Maybe that's what keeps me away from the idea of dreaming. They say, you should keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart. Uh, no way, I only have one and it's fragile...
I'm turning 19 in couple months.
I look back, and find no accomplishment. Such a bloody waste of time. How am I supposed not to get upset to myself??! It turns out to be me who let myself down, instead of that heart-breaker thingy called dream.
Of course I have a long list of what I wanna do. But I find none of them got a checkmark yet. Lack of time, lack of money, lack of chance, or maybe lack of...willingness.
Follow your heart, and your dreams will come true. Read this somewhere, but the fff with that. My heart doesn't say a thing, and I don't even have dreams. Ahh I feel like a piece of shh. You can kill a dreamer, but you can't kill the dream, a proverb says. Look, I'm not a dreamer, don't have any dream. Therefore you can pull the trigger and shoot me right away. In ease.

Just Do It

"Do what you love doing." they said.
But... what do I love doing?

I don't know, but it scares the hell out of me every time the picture of my future self has to do a job I can never enjoy happens to strike my little mind. Okay, maybe I'm not literally the one who ever comes to this thought. But at this very moment, I feel like surrounded by people who have already figured out their passion, and they leave me behind.....

For a second I think of blaming my parents for not helping me find one. The next second I wanna slap myself for having such a thought. Hey, they've done so much, as much as what so called "parents" can possibly do.
I remember mom has once told me the reason why she bought a piano 12 years ago, whilst none of our family were able playing the piano, was because when she was on my age she wanted to learn piano but her parents couldn't afford it. She thought I would love to learn too............. ( ._.)
We suppose to do anything with passion, aight? The truth is, in this case, I didn't. I had no passion, no interest, and it seemed like I wasn't gifted too. In 2006 I got a chance playing piano on a mini concert in Jogja. For the God's sake, after the yearsssss that I've wasted learning piano, I could only do Beautiful Dreamer!! Yesssshhh, ain't cool at all. Compared to my big brother who played Für Elise, I was really nothing.

(Anyway, you might have seen this video about an amazing 6yo pianist. Ouuyeahhhh, I definitely need to put a plastic bag on my head.)

As I got older, I started to be able to make decisions. I told mom, I didn't like playing piano from the very first place. Maybe it did break her heart, but she finally let me quit the course. Then I said I wanted to learn playing drum, she said yes without even thinking. After a year, I quit. Later, when I got in high school, playing guitar seemed cool. I asked mom to buy me guitar, but I ended up --just like what you might have guessed-- having below average skill.

The point is, I have nothing to do with music.
Drawings? No way. I used to cry my heart out whenever I gotta do drawing-thingy for the sake of my art class. So, case closed.

I love eating, but I'm not that good in cooking. I love reading, but I'm not good at writing.
Well, it seems like I never be good enough in any particular thing.

Back to the main question, what's my passion. Since I haven't figured it out yet, Imma do whatever I like, without any compulsion. No target, just do it.

Red Thread

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. The thread may stretch or tangle but will never break.

We Found Love in a Hopeless Place

A year has passed in a flash.
See? It's been a year, Deer. After all this time, why do you keep bothering yourself with this frickin over-sized doubt? "Daftar lagi nggak yaa, daftar lagi nggak yaa..."
I ask you, self, what exactly are you looking for?

That was then and this is now. Here you are, somewhere you've never been dreaming of. But heeey, what's wrong with being here? What's so wrong with belong here?
Back in time, do you remember how you got down on your knees, praying for what's best for you?


Wednesday, June 1 2011

Wherever I'll be, I know God's plan is the best.

Thus, just let it be :)

With pray,

Dilla Tasyavani

Remember the old saying says, God has a bigger plan for you than you have for yourself. You should open your eyes and be thankful as well. See, God has granted your wish. This might not be what you want, but this is precisely what you need best.

Hello Freshman Year

Sudirman

Wawancara BKM

Kontribusi - TPA Maida

Kontribusi - TPA Maida

Temu Kenal Akrab

Temu Kenal Akrab - Outbond

Temu Kenal Akrab

TM Fun Siung

TM Fun Siung

Fun Siung

Fun Siung

Fun Siung

Pas Akrab - Sie Acara

Pas Akrab

Pas Akrab

Pas Akrab

LMPsi

LMPsi

LMPsi - Humas

SGPC!

SGPC!

AAI

AAI

AAI

Repsigama

For what I've been thru this past 365 days, finally I figure out one thing... that I belong here, and I love it. So that maybe the way I love being here is how God tells me to keep going and say goodbye for what's left. Yes, you should leggo of this one of the kind of dreams that's not meant to come true, Deer.
Don't ever look back.

This.

"I like drinking coffee alone and reading alone. I like riding the bus alone and walking home alone. It gives me time to think and set my mind free. I like eating alone and listening to music alone. But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad. I just need someone who won’t run away."

(via STELLACOOPER)

Fell

Telepon ditutup. Kiki dan aku kompak diam. Bisa aja kami teriak, nangis meledak-ledak. Tapi kami cuma diam.
Satu menit... dua menit... tiga menit... kemudian kami sadar, kami harus move on; menyeret kaki keluar Caritas. Nahan sakit hati yang sakitnya...ya sakit banget lah pokoknya. Pintu mobil ditutup, kemudian hening lama.
"Happy birthday Lisa... happy birthday Lisa... Happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday Lisa..."
Mesin dinyalakan, kami jalan. Pulang.

"Aku pulaaang... tanpa dendaaaaam... ku terimaaaa... kekalaaahankuuuuu..."
"Tau nggak Dill, dari tadi lagu itu juga main di kepalaku."

Entah apa salah kami, tapi sepertinya alam semesta berkonspirasi.
Rasa-rasanya, semua yang terjadi hari ini adalah akumulasi kesialan dalam satu tahun yang di rapel dalam satu hari.

Lis, seharusnya ini buat kamu

We made you brownies, because birthday cake is too mainstream :'))

Selamat ulang tahun, Lisa. Kami tetep cinta kamu walaupun surprisenya gagal total sampe bikin pengen gantung diri. Tenang, walaupun kami ngga ketemu kamu, doa-doa kami buat kamu tetep ketemu Tuhan kok, tinggal tunggu tanggal terkabulnya aja. Peluk cium! <3

A Heart Touching

Don't we all find it sweet being remembered?

When people remember you, y'know it's a sign that they still care about you. 

Being remembered means they make a room in their mind for us to pass by, or if we lucky enough, to stop by and stay for awhile. 

I always love to know that people (esp old friends whom I seldom meet) remember me, how they still remember some little things about me. I looooooove it whenever I get a text or a phonecall simply saying they randomly remember me when they find anything related with me... 14, deer, my fav color, my fav songs, my fav band... even things that I hate (the cause of my phobia -_-)... the way they remember me...it all touches my heart :")

Maybe you still remember my post saying I was on (uhh shud I use this word?) misery. Hmm it seemed like God wanted me to smile ehehehe... so two days ago, I got my best day. 

I met Lisa and she gave me a red box with 14 photo sheets in it. She said she should've given it to me on Monday (May 14th) but we couldn't meet up because I wasn't in Jogja that time hehehe. Selamat Ulang Bulan ke-222? I swear I didn't even know May 14th means a thing to me :")
Oya, every photo has a word written in the back:
kamu - berarti - tua - hati - hidup - ingatlah - rasa - hari - nanti - jika - istimewa - kita - slamanya - ini

Yea like what you might have guessed, those words are the puzzle of a song...

Kamu sangat berarti, istimewa di hati
Slamanya rasa ini
Jika tua nanti kita tlah hidup masing-masing
Ingatlah hari ini

She also gave me a sketch of a deer. Said she couldn't finished it, but I think it's just too good to be true; knowing she drew it for me :")

I couldn't say enough thank you to show her how blissful I was :")
We spent three hours and a half, talking like there's no tomorrow. Uuuuu how I miss spending time with you, Lisaaaa... I never ever be able to spill out all of my thoughts to anyone else like the way I talk to you & Kiki <3

A thank-you is never enough