Say Something Now

If I'm allowed to personally describe myself in a good way, I consider myself as a person who's pretty good in words. It's like I have lots of them in my mind.
But I have a problem in expressing them. I mean, adding up the proper expression then saying it to the person who deserve it. Oh pardon my ego.
Yesterday was December 22, a Mother Day. I really wanted to upload her pics to my socmeds and give some beautiful words as the caption (just like everyone else did, yesterday) but... I was challenging myself not to do such a thing unless I have said those-beautiful-words directly to mom first.

There was some kind of battle inside my head between my thankful heart and my cold ego. I wasn't raised in a full-of-sweet-nothings kind of family who easily expressing one's affection, so...my ego was coming out as the winner of this war.
But I didn't let it easily go that way. Basically I love challenge so... I bought her her favorite cake, and in the end of the day I gave it to her and told her in a very awkward way...... "Selamat hari ibu, Bu".
I knew she deserved something better than that but that was the most possible thing I could do for now.
I wish I could say how much she mean to me. I won't something cheesy like she's the best mom on earth, but here's the thing...
She's a very logic person with a kind heart. She's the kind of person who doesn't talk much but literally do something. She's more like telling us about something with her acts instead of her words. And I think that's the best way of parents telling their kids what to do.
She gave up her ego and never obliged us to become who she wants us to be. Not every kids in this world is blessed with acceptance from their parents to be whoever they want to be. My parents don't mind with what the society says, they support us as best as they can do.
As a woman, she's brave and independent, bright and hardworker but very capable of taking care of our family. She's the idea of what a woman should be, so that's why I want to grow up becoming a woman like her.
We don't say 'I love you's often. But don't we already know we do? After all, we sort of keeping it for the special occasions and I think that's brilliant because those words will never become less meaningful.

If I could get back to womb and choose my future mother, I wouldn't wish for anyone else but her. Yes, she's the best of what the world can offer.
And after all, all I can say is... her flaws don't make her less perfect for me. I don't care what the world say because in my world, she's the best.

Not A Bad Thing

I guess God is good. I believe God has a bigger, better plan for anyone, each of every living thing, than what we  have made for ourselves.
I failed in working on my plan. But here I learn to get up and smile again. I'm not the one who's been here, and when I see them get stronger I know I have to be one. Hard time is something that I must deal with, but with the people around me right now, I know it can't be that hard.
I need to get ready for another plan. Maybe not sometime soon. But for whenever it will be, it's important for me to keep on telling myself that I, just like everyone else, deserve to be happy too.

The Art of Letting Go

Now playing: Supersymmetry - Arcade Fire

This writing is a reminder that life can't always seem good all the time.
Things I've been holding on tightly for so long... I never thought I would lose my grip on it, but now I eventually watching it goes away. But do you know that feeling when you are loosing a grip? Exactly. You feel that kind of relief. That the strain can finally be released. Then you feel the lighter burden.

Deep down inside I quite much understand how sooner or later regrets will come over me. That "why didn't you try a little harder" or whatever you name it... I know they will haunt me someday. But for whatever it will become...for now, I'd like to let myself feel all the feelings that demand to be felt. The freedom, and emptiness. Excitement, and disappointment. Gain, and pain. Relief, and grief.

I hope this sum up of everything that happened to me lately brings me up to the next level.

Do I Even Need to Give It A Name?

I have that kind of tendency to like a song if I can sing it along. Knowing the lyrics, knowing what it is about. Moreover, if it has something related with me. Most of all, it goes this way. But sometimes, I'd prefer listen to a completely strange mixtape which I can only listen to its music, enjoying every sound without bothering myself with the idea of understanding what it actually means.
The same thing goes with people. People whom I know personally, who has something in common with me... I'd prefer being surrounded by these people, most of the time. But sometimes, there comes a time when I just wanna be a stranger to strangers. Another human beings whom I don't need to know who, whom I don't need to understand why. To have a guarantee that this is a kind of 'one night stand'. To know that there will be no judgement for whatever happens, for at least the judgement has no impact. To be reassured that they don't come to stop by, because they're people who's passing by.

This will be a very quick post

I find out that life is just as hard as we think it is. I am very thankful for whatever I already have in my life, and always doing the best of what I can do to have some more. But I forget that sometimes I have to look back to the day when I had less; how I could survive and still be happy as well.

This is not just a part of a college life. Not just an escaping idea. This is a journey. Another way to learn and grow. A reminder that life is great, and I gotta always be thankful for the life that God has given to me. A space to figure out how strong the bounds I've made with the people I love. A way to notice how distance is just a word when two hearts are still beating for one another.

Pesanggrahan, Lombok Timur

July 27th, 2014

Bold

 I really appreciate people who can sincerely write what comes into their mind into a beautiful writing and have the guts to share it, whatever it is about. With no shame and no doubt. Just being honest. I believe their souls are prettier than their writings.
Just like how I adore those people who like something and dare enough to (oh I really wish I could find a better substitution word to make it sounds more polite) show it off.
Sometimes I don't get it, why some people are cynically bitching about other people who's showing/sharing what they like, what they love, their hobbies, their passions. This world needs more passionate people who are willing to be bold. Brave enough to show who they really are, and proud of it. 

Half of the world's population may envy Sam Shakusky and Suzy Bishop; for they are so bold in such a young age. Fearlessly facing any kind of obstacles for the sake of expressing who they are and what they want while most of us, can not.

Definitely Maybe

I'm glad that currently I'm enjoying everything I do. Keeping up with my old dear friends, watching movies quiet a lot, spending weekends with family, having enough time to sleep... I feel like I'm living in balance. And i'm happy :)

One thing that I haven't mentioned above but significantly change my life into a better phase is, I enjoy being alone. Literally. I enjoy the times I spend alone. Going to crowded place alone and watch people passing by. Guessing who are they and what kind of life they have been through. It's funny how they all look so fine but none of the crowd knows the truth about them. Maybe he is broken, that's why he comes here with his friends, to get rid of his unpleasant feeling. Maybe she is having a crush with the boy beside her but never has  the gut to confess. Maybe he is sick of listening to her endless babling about her boyfriend because he secretly loves her so much. Maybe she is so happy yet nervous because she will be married soon. Maybe she can't help the ache she feels inside because her dog has just died. Maybe he's feeling so lonely and missing the girl he used to spend his time with. Maybe...maybe...maybe...

Oh March

I kinda have nothing to write about. But I have promised to write once a month, so-
March has been...good. Pretty good. I met some of my old friends. They gave me such a good vibe (all over again, after all this time), and I love it. Things changed, but I like how we could still keep the conversation going no matter how random the topic gets. I don't really like taking pictures, but I regret it now. Next time we meet, I should take pics with those girls, just for the sake of capturing moments. Because oh because, meeting some of them can be harder than meeting alien.
Talking about college life... well, lemme say, all iz well. I'm currently learning personality inventories, and it's exciting!
Uhm, what else? Oya, I'm proud of myself because I am able to regularly write down my agendas! Since October 2013 till now. AND since February, I write my everyday-outlay. So it's easier now to figure out where the heck my money goes (and easier to regret, too). Well, this little thing is such a big accomplishment for me :')

I want my old life back.

Overheard

"As a psychology students you outta have a high score for this aspect of personality."
(Or if you can't have a high score in it, you outta pretend anyway)
- My lecture today, while reviewing personality testing inventory.

Bonjour - Merci - Au Revoir

"The ways we speak can affect the ways we think, feel and behave. That’s why sometimes speaking in different languages make you think in different ways." - Psychological facts.

Some of my dear fellas are wondering why do I prefer writing in English than in Bahasa Indonesia. So, that is why.
I live in a society where most of the people (still) think that speaking in English (or other foreign language) makes you look stupid. Like, "What the hell are you doing, smartass?! Showing off your TOEFL score??". Oh I'm so not fluent in English, but... I am willing to learn. Since I can't use English in my daily conversation, I try to write in English here. This is the way I'm training myself, and challenging myself to think in a different way.

Back to the time when I was in high school, I got French as one of the subjects (and I hate that). Two years learning and I got nothing, literally nothing :p Of course "bonjour" "merci" and "au revoir" aren't counted. What I hate the most about French was the pronunciation. The vowels were so confusing. I couldn't even guess how to spell their words. Regrets come late as usual. I began to realize that just like French, English also had confusing vowels, but I could 'guess' how a word is supposed to be pronounced even if it's a new word for me. So...

I plan to take French course sometime soon. Or German. Or Dutch. I'm challenging myself to write a blog post in that language. Wish me luck.

A Warning Sign

"Your fun and playful personality keeps you young and youthful. Although you are easy going, you tend to have lower self-confidence and anxiety about specific things in your life. You are usually unorganized; yet don’t even know where to start to help yourself to fix the messy problem. You are a proud individual but you need to learn to love yourself more. You need to take the time to find yourself through self expression. How are you currently expressing yourself to the world? Remember that there are people around you that can help you, but you need to let them know you are willing to receive help. Life is easier when you let people in."

Tulisan Lain Tentang Masa yang Lalu

Ini tulisan ke-2 yang aku tulis untuk kalian yang selalu berhasil memecah sedikit tangis saat aku benar benar merindukan kalian. Sampai hampir 3 taun sejak kita tak lagi disatukan dalam suatu ruang kelas untuk iseng-iseng memakai seragam abu-abu. Rindu ini ternyata bukan hanya milikku karena ada beberapa lain diantara kita yang menyampaikan hal yang sama, ya menyampaikan rindu kepada kalian yang tak mampu terkalahkan. Mungkin kita akan segera menua karena jarum waktu tak akan diam saja untuk beberapa waktu, tapi keyakinanku jarum waktu tak mampu membunuh ingatanku dan juga kuharap kalian, akan setiap detail kenangan haru, konyol, lucu atau apapun yang sudah pernah kita tulis dalam naskah semesta alam. Semoga.
 
Sudah hampir 3 taun ini aku juga tidak pernah mencoba berhenti untuk bersilaturohmi dengan kalian, walaupun tidak selalu mampu dengan cara bertatap muka secara langsung. Ternyata jarum waktu telah banyak merubah kita, lebih tepatnya mengembangkan kita. Telah banyak cerita yang aku kantongi dan tersimpan rapi dalam saku kenangan. Cerita-cerita kalian selalu membuatku diam sesaat untuk mengagumi apa saja yang telah kalian lakukan. Ada cerita tentang kalian yang hampir rampung, segera menyematkan toga, ada pula yang bercerita karya karyanya yang dimuat dirubrik majalah, menjadi ketua di beberapa organisasi atau apapun itu, ada yang mempunyai tanggungjawab lebih karena sudah hidup berdampingan atas nama Tuhan, bercerita tentang perjuangannya yang menemukan pencariannya, perjuangannya yang ingin segera meraih mimpi-mimpi yang ada di kepalanya, atau ingin segera menikah karena cintanya yang menggebu ingin segera disahkan oleh Gusti, dan masih banyak lagi yang jika aku ceritakan secara detail akan membuat mata kalian lebih berkaca-kaca, mungkin.
 
Yang jelas, dan yang aku ketahui tidak satupun diantara kalian yang pernah benar benar sengaja ingin menciderai hal-hal yang telah kita lakukan selama dua tahun mungkin lebih dalam kebersamaan kita, jikapun ada yang tersakiti karena mungkin merasa dilupakan, itu semata-mata sebuah ketidak-sengajaan karena mungkin sedang sibuk-sibuknya dengan hal-hal baru tengah ditekuni. Sebenarnya juga bukan hak dari siapapun diantara kita untuk menuntut tidak saling melupakan satu diantara lain, tapi sedulur, aku yakin tanpa dituntutpun kalian sudah tau dimana porsi kenangan kenagan itu harus diletakan. Karena jika terus memelihara ini, aku percaya kita telah melalukan suatu hal baik. Terimakasih untuk kalian yang terus erat satu sama lain tanpa pamrih dan tulus. Terimakasih!

Tulisan seorang teman lama saya, Rizal Bagus Prakoso a.k.a Item yang dari dulu senang menulis, tapi entah kenapa tidak membuat blog sendiri. Tentang 39 makhluk berseragam putih abu-abu yang menciptakan beragam kenangan maha menyenangkan.

The Anchors Called Secrets

Everyone has a secret they will never tell to anybody.
Secrets, are things that are better left that way, in order to keep our lives going on the right tracks.  Untold. Even to those who are very close to us. Time will help revealing some secrets to some (un)lucky people. But everyone will die with some secrets they still keep, anyway.
We don't tell secrets because we are afraid of what people will be thinking about us after they know the fact that we're not the person they thought we are. That's how secret works. Changing the way they think about us. That's why...that's why we keep on keeping secrets.
You are who you are when no one is watching. Enjoying your guilty pleasure, doing things people never thought you do, playing memories inside your head, listening to songs that bring your mind wanders into somewhere only you know, crying over the past, or maybe wishing you still have a chance to make up your what-could-have-been...

This One Should Be Untitled But I've Had Too Much 'Untitled' So Whatever

I have two bad habits in writing. First, I feel like there are soooo many things I wanna write but end up stop writing before I finish it, just because I don't know how to spill them out. Second, I can't stop editing my writings, even the old ones (which I know nobody will read it, but still...).This time I promise, I will finish this one and never press the edit button.

I love the way I see people differently after I read their blogs. Generally, I'm impressed with any kind of writings. As long as they write, I'll love it. Well, unless if Th3y wr!t3 thYz w4y then it will never impress me, no matter how cool the content is. Oh pardon me, back to the main topic. Really, reading blogs changes the way I see them. Into a better sight, of course. I dunno if it's weird, but I feel like I know them better than before, and I want to know them more, personally.
Ain't like Twitter. It often makes me think bad about people, even to those whom I've known personally. :(

Anyway, I have 2014 resolution. Only one thing, but I will push myself to fulfill it (I know you're a lazy ass but please please please, dear self, you have to do this!)
To write, at least once a month.
Let's see :p